HOW TO DEAL WITH CULTURE SHOCK AS A SOLO WOMAN LIVING ABROAD: YOUR ULTIMATE GUIDE
Living abroad as a solo woman gives you some incredible opportunities to immerse yourself in a new culture. As a woman who has lived abroad solo for over a decade, I’m willing to bet that new cultural experiences are a big part of what you were looking for when you chose to go on your adventure in a foreign country. But what do you do when integrating into a new culture doesn’t feel seamless? Everyone who moves abroad will experience culture shock at some point. Here are my top tips on how to deal with culture shock as a solo woman living abroad.
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First of all, what is culture shock?
The Oxford Dictionary defines Culture shock as the feeling of disorientation experienced by someone when they are suddenly subjected to an unfamiliar culture, way of life, or set of attitudes.
The bad news is that there is no way around this. Even the most open minded and culturally competent solo women living abroad will need to deal with culture shock at some point in their experience. (Often, many, many times!)
The good news is that you are not alone. Experiencing culture shock is pretty much a universal experience for people who are brave enough to move abroad.
Culture shock does not mean you are not cut out to live abroad or that you should return home. It is a natural part of building a new life someplace completely different than you’re used to…and it can manifest itself in some sneaky ways.
understand what culture shock looks like as a woman living abroad on her own
When I first moved to Switzerland in 2014, I expected to experience culture shock when it came to things like communicating in a foreign language and navigating a city that was completely new to me.
What I didn’t expect was to feel completely incompetent with basic adulting.
I was in my 30s when I moved to Switzerland and used to being able to tackle pretty much anything life threw at me.
I did not expect to be reduced to tears over simple things like not understanding how to weigh and bag produce at the grocery store, confusion over basic banking and health insurance, difficulty using the communal washing machine in my flat block and getting scolded by my neighbor for the chairs in my dining room making a scratching sound when I pulled them in and out (true story!).
My first few months in Switzerland I felt like a child lost in the woods. I was used to being able to count on myself as a competent adult. Now all of that was gone and I was forced to ask for help from strangers for almost everything.
With this came the frustration that I was supposed to be enjoying my time in Switzerland. I had hoped to excel at my new job, make new friends and spend my weekends travelling and exploring Europe.
Instead, I was constantly exhausted and was spending my weekends doing my washing in my bathroom and drip drying my clothing because I was too nervous to have another go with the communal washer (and wasn’t sure exactly when my assigned fortnightly washing day was anyways!).
What was wrong with me?
Symptoms of culture shock
Culture shock is more than just fleeting miscommunication. At first, culture shock can feel like a fog that envelops your entire life, making it difficult to function at times.
As a solo woman living abroad, culture shock can be even more challenging to deal with because you don’t have a partner or even a friend to compare notes with.
You have nobody to say, ‘did that just happen?’ to or, ‘am I wrong for feeling this way?’
Fortunately, you found my blog and now I’m here to be that person!
Here are some sneaky symptoms of culture shock:
Procrastinating
Putting off doing my laundry, going shopping or completing other basic chores for fear I’d do it wrong were some signs that I didn’t know how to deal with culture shock as a solo woman living abroad.
Social anxiety
A bit of social anxiety is natural when you move to a new place. But if what you are experiencing is new and paralyzing, it may be a sign that you are experiencing culture shock.
Irritability
When I first moved to Switzerland I was annoyed with everything. The bus, the grocery store, random people on the street, the keys to my flat, everything. At the time I didn’t understand I was dealing with culture shock, but looking back on it, my frayed patience was definitely a sign!
Emotional ups and downs
Laughing one moment and crying the next, moving to another country can be a roller coaster. If your emotions are feeling more tumultuous than they did before, culture shock could be at play!
Feeling exhausted all the time
Spending your entire day getting along in an environment you only sort of understand is tiring. If you’re completely spent at the end of a long day having to figure out everything as you go along like it’s your first week on planet earth…congratulations, you’ve got culture shock!
Tips for dealing with culture shock as a solo woman living abroad
It’s OK to ask for help
I was so fortunate in that my first job abroad was in an international environment where they were used to helping new people acclimate.
Only problem? I refused to accept help! My first few months at my new job, lots of co-workers asked if I needed help settling in. My response to every single one of them was to lift my chin and say, ‘No thanks! I’m fine!’
I went through so much unnecessary frustration before I finally broke down and accepted help.
My advice is when it comes to dealing with culture shock as a solo woman living abroad, don’t be a hero!
By refusing to accept help, not only did I delay my integration in Switzerland, I also delayed creating friendships with people who wanted the best for me. It was silly of me and looking back, I’m embarrassed I was so stubborn. I only hurt myself.
If you are the type of person who has difficulty accepting help, keep this in mind: Someday, you’ll be integrated and you’ll be able to pay it forward by helping the newbies in town.
Trust me on that one!
Don’t go it alone
I was lucky that my job was willing to help, but it truly takes a village to raise an expat and you are going to need to find yours, stat!
If you’ve been reading my blog for a minute you know that I have a love/hate relationship with expat groups and the word expat in general. Here’s the thing though… helping foreigners integrate when they’re new in town is the absolute best use of expat groups!
Expat groups are the appropriate place to ask those ‘stupid’ questions and compare notes with other people so you discover that your experience is pretty common and you’re not alone!
Make an effort to Learn the language
Notice I didn’t say get fluent in a new language! The false ideal that it’s fluency or nothing has delayed the journey of many a language learner.
The fact is that you don’t need to be fluent to start reaping the benefits of knowing the local language when it comes to dealing with culture shock! In the beginning when everything is overwhelming, learning the basics is enough.
When I first moved to Switzerland, I was intimidated by many the expat who told me that Swiss people were not interested in getting to know me therefor it wasn’t worth learning German.
Then a funny thing happened…I learned a bit of German and realized that people were being nice and polite to me all the time in public…it’s just I had no idea what they were saying to me!
If I hadn’t made the effort of learning German, I would have remained trapped in that constant feeling of social anxiety, unable to ask for help with basic things for fear I was annoying people.
I’m so glad I got out of my comfort zone on that one!
Expect a bit of Culture Shock even in familiar cultures
I’ll admit, when I moved to Scotland I was excited about the idea of communication being easier. After all, we all speak the same language! In spite of this fact, I’ve been thrown for a loop plenty of times by cultural differences in the UK.
British people are not known for being the most direct communicators, so I had some difficulty understanding what people were asking of me at times.
I was baffled the first few times a Scottish person tried to end a meeting with me by saying, ‘Well, that’s us.’ How was I supposed to know that’s Scottish for, ‘This meeting is over, it’s time for you to get out of my office’?
Sometimes, the biggest challenges when it comes to dealing with culture shock don’t happen when you’re dealing with people who are vastly different to you. They happen when both parties expect that they’ve understood each other and can’t see the subtle differences in what’s being said and what’s being understood!
know the difference between Peach culture vs coconut culture
I used to really struggle with how reserved Swiss people are until someone explained the concept of peach culture vs. coconut culture to me.
peach culture
A peach culture is one where people are warm and friendly with you from the get-go. Befriending people from these cultures is like biting into a soft, juicy peach.
However, just like a peach, eventually you get to the hard stone in the middle and it’s difficult to get any closer to someone from a peach culture.
There’s a limit to how far folks from peach culture will go for a friend.
coconut culture
The Swiss are a coconut culture. A hard shell on the outside, but once you crack it, the friendship keeps getting softer and sweeter, kind of like a coconut. Folks from coconut cultures prefer to have a few close friends that they treat like family.
As I spent more time in Switzerland, I realized this was true. The more I got to know Swiss people, the kinder they were to me.
Anytime I got frustrated by not being instantly accepted, I reminded myself I was living in a coconut culture and adjusted my expectations accordingly. Relationships with people in coconut cultures take patience, but are worth it.
Cultivate your friendships
Dealing with culture shock as a solo woman abroad gets a lot easier when you have friends. Put some effort into meeting people who share your interests.
If you’re having difficulty getting started with rebuilding your social circle, check out my post how to make friends abroad.
Get curious and look for opportunities to learn about your new culture
When you’re dealing with culture shock as a solo woman living abroad, it helps to develop a beginner’s mindset. Get curious about your new culture and have fun learning about what makes them tick.
Attend some local cultural celebrations and festivals, try a local sport or hobby, join a club. Ask questions when appropriate, watch, learn and observe. What you discover will probably be fascinating.
Give it time
Notice that nothing I’m suggesting here is a quick fix.
You don’t overcome culture shock in one month, three months or six months. In fact, I’d say it takes about a year to feel solid in a new country.
So if it feels tough give it time and don’t lose hope. Remember, building a life you love abroad is an investment of time and energy!
Note:
While it is totally normal for your first year abroad to feel challenging, you don’t need to stick with a situation where you feel unsafe, where your mental or physical health is threatened, your living conditions are poor or your job or professional situation is not as advertised.
If your gut is telling you something is off about a place, listen!
Recognize that dealing with culture shock is a process and track your wins
Keep a journal, take photos, start a blog or social media page to chronicle your new life abroad. When times get tough, take a look back at where you were in your first weeks or months abroad and congratulate yourself for how far you’ve come on your journey.
Celebrate your small wins like signing up for a language class, figuring out how the recycling works and attending your first expat mixer. I am almost certain you’ll be proud of yourself.
Don’t compare your new life and your old life
They’re not kidding when they say comparison is the thief of joy. If you’ve moved from somewhere you were happy and comfortable, of corse your old life is going to look better!
It’s OK to keep in touch with people back home but be mindful of how much you use social media because it’s a major contributor to FOMO, which won’t help you deal with culture shock!
Do grounding activities
It helps to do an activity that grounds you and feels the same pretty much anywhere you do it; jogging, yoga, journaling, mindfulness, sketching, cooking, playing or listening to music, whatever does the trick for you!
Try to block out at least one morning, evening or afternoon a week to block out any distractions and completely focus on a familiar activity.
Dial in your self care
It’s easy to get swept away in stress when you first move abroad. But neglecting your self care will not help with the irritability, exhaustion and anxiety that are so often a part of culture shock.
My advice is to try and stay as consistent as you can with your self care routine when you first move abroad, even in early days.
Look after your mental and physical health
Are you regularly eating, sleeping and taking any prescribed medications? If not, put this blog down and go do that right now!
I always suggest that registering for a local doctor is one of the first things any expat does when they arrive in their new location.
Why? Because everything will feel like more effort at first and the stress of moving is hard on your immune system. You don’t want to wait until you’re sick to try and access medical care in a new country for the first time.
If taking care of your mental health feels more challenging right now, don’t be ashamed. There are therapists and counselors who specialize in working with expat adjustment who can help you. Not sure where to find a good therapist? That’s a great question to ask in your local expat group!
Adjust your expectations
Something interesting I’ve noticed about us English speaking expats (especially Americans and Brits) is that we are obsessed with the idea of being welcome in a foreign country.
It’s not enough that we’ve scored jobs and visas to live abroad, we genuinely want locals to welcome us with open arms and be excited that we’re there. Some of us even expect the locals to adjust to us by speaking English and offering American and UK style food in supermarkets and restaurants.
Then we are woefully disappointed when locals get annoyed with us!
When it comes to dealing with culture shock as a solo woman living abroad, we need to adjust our expectations. At first, you may feel like locals are simply tolerating you and that’s OK. Chances are, most places you move are not going to offer you American style service with a smile. That doesn’t mean people hate you, it’s just a cultural difference.
Tough love
Ask yourself: How welcoming are we in our home countries to foreigners who arrive not speaking English? How much time have you personally had to help an immigrant who was confused, scared and in need of a friendly face?
If you’re not proud of the answer to that question, then you need to cut the locals in your new country some slack.
The fact is, not all locals are happy we’re here. We can’t make everyone happy. Do your best to integrate, but recognize that some people will never warm up to you. Focus on the good people in your life and work on cultivating a thicker skin to deal with the meanies!
Understand it’s a wave
Know that culture shock will come and go. Some days you’ll feel like an expert, then a random threatening bill or letter will come in the mail and knock you down to size again.
This wave of culture shock is nothing to fear. In fact, it’s so common that people with more smarts than me have graphed it!
I like to think of dealing with culture shock as a bit of a dance. Sometimes you’re taking two steps forward and three steps back, but as long as you’re following the music, chances are you’ll be just fine.
It starts out with a honeymoon phase at the beginning of your experience living abroad when everything feels new and rosy, then some turbulence comes between two and six months in.
You’ll have your ups and downs, with the trajectory trending in the direction of up.
The good news is, the bell curve is higher than ever after you leave, when you look back and only remember the good stuff.
Moving back home? Get ready for reverse culture shock! That’s what happens when you spend years integrating into a new culture only to go home and realize you’ve changed!
Remember my loves, that’s why we call it a wave!
I hope this post was helpful to you!
Ready to take your next steps in your life abroad?
Check out my post: How to Plan an International Move
Download my checklist: Move Abroad Checklist
For daily life abroad follow my Insta: @alyssaowrites
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